Of reminiscences, et al..

The closer I inch towards the end of the year, the weirder life gets..I'm stuck in a mangy mosaic of myriad, contradicting & often mutually exclusive emotions - all miraculously harboured in a tiny little space - my HEART..!


But then, isn't that how its supposed to be??
Inevitabilty darlings..:p


Churlish though it might seem to cavil at this moment of reminiscences,but it might be a good idea to sit back & put things in perspective.I just have to sit down, drag my feet up, pull them close to my chest, wrap my arms around and enjoy the experience - bitter-sweet or not..


The year that's been has had more than its share of pleasures,excitement, fun, frolic & brouhaha..!!!
Gifted with just the right share of liberties (both financial & otherwise..) sans the all consuming burden of responsibilties (which tend to barge in unheralded) INTERNSHIP is perhaps the best phase of a medico's life..!!

Honestly, if Brian Adams had not beaten me to it, it would be me singing, ''summer of 2010'';-)



Yet, here I'm, once again Cribbing n complaining..!
Why? I understand now..
Its just that I've never been good at writing the happy things..Its like, I take them for granted..we all do that..Don't we??



BELLA..! Sigh..!!!
I sit here laughing at myself and wincing every time I think of her..
A few stolen days of reality in a virtual land..emotions bared, Secrets shared, promises made..Hushed whispers, subtle gestures, stolen Moments, full of feel..all I knew, n all I cared for was, U, me, she, her, we, US..!

Real or not, those few deluded moments of being in the soft, silken strangle of love are the one that I'l cherish the most..!

But then was that love..?
If u'd asked then, I would have screamed a yes in an eye's blink..or may be I wouldnt have answered at all..merely scorn at your insolence instead..or may be punch you in the face for having missed out the obviousness of the reply..!

But now???
Somehow i'm not so sure..

Sometimes even a nebulous reaction can be sublime & substantial, almost to the point of being egregious..


It was time something jolted me out of the fairytale that i live in, and brought in a healthy dose of reality..And so it did..or should i say, 'she' did it..
All said & done, it still doesn't take away anything from you, my Bella.. (only that, you are no longer 'mine':()
U still remain the best thing that's ever happened to me..!


As I stand on the faltering fringes of 2010, I just have this li'l piece of wisdom to offer..


Good or bad, happy or sad, easy or hard..whatever be the moment in ur life, always remember..
''THIS TOO SHALL PASS..!''


A coupla goodbyes to say.. To the year that's gone & to you my BELLA..
''Au revoir''..no, no, NO..scratch that..
''Bid adieus''..!

Huyya, 2011.. Here I come..;-)

The First Gulp of Free Air..!

Gosh...!!!
It's been quite a while that I put something
over here..
Have I run out of topics?
Am I devoid of thoughts??
Nope, its Neither..
Its not even the paucity of time..
Its Just the inability to structure my complex
& often contradicting thoughts..This teeny
tiny little brain of mine is cluttered with just
one thing too many..! Internship , labour
room postings, studies, grads day & yet
another 'important issue' which has turned
more sore than i'd ever imagined even in the
wildest of my dreams.
Result?? - I just kept jumping & hopping from
one topic to another without ever daring to
embark upon a sojourn that offered
crossroads..carrying them all with
me,clutching them close to heart, for fear of
choosing & in the process, losing..Always
postponing & procrastinating the time to
chose..
For certain reasons, I have terribly missed this
space and particularly missed being able to
write - my personal, 'social' diary..!;-)
No, not the conventional scribbling of words
and sentences but 'writing' in a manner that
heals me. Truly and deeply unraveling my
emotions.The real me, the darker side of me,
my alter ego, that I myself cannot always
comprehend..Sentiments that even I am
unaware of...!All this finds meaning here..this
space has been almost theraupetic..!!
THANK YOU BLOGSPOT..!
To me, this long hiatus meant that I was over
that phase of life (which was complex and
strange), atleast I thought so and it made me
quite happy to say the least. I felt that I was
getting closer to how I wanted my life to be
and the past did not have a place in the
future..! Seemed like i was living a dream..!
Something that i've always dreamt of..''To
live in a dream..!'';-) But then reality struck..&
struck hard..!
Did I retreat? No, I didn't..Neither did I run to
this space..Cos someone had warned, that
this isnt a ''public toilet.''
I was torn into a torrent of confounding
emotions..my mood swings getting more
erratic by the day n worse by the night...!
But now in the comforts of my home,
munching on mom- made snacks, thinking
clearly seems so easy..Effortless..almost
natural..! Feels like having woken up from a
timeless slumber..!
Like the first gulp of the fresh free air..!
Inhaling within my heart n soul, the freedom
this air so proudly offers..!
In essence - feels good..:-)
I now realise that the problem lay in the way
I viewed things...It was a tad too idealistic..I
had failed to realise that life is neither black,
nor white..but a multicoloured hues of gray..!
Life can never be completely devoid of
problems..If it did, it wouldn be called LIFE
then..!
I'm reminded of an sms i'd once recieved & at
that time had thoughtlessly fwded..About a
fabled dialogue between life n dream, when
life says,
''My dear friend, dream..the day u come true,
i shall lose my meaning..!''
If you are waiting for a conclusion, i'm sorry,
I have none to offer..!
Life is to be lived, the way it is..leave the
analysis, definitions & conclusions to the
philosophers..!
As for me, I have always opined..
''PHILOSOPHERS ARE MAD MEN..!''

LAST NIGHT IN MY DREAMS...

 Trrriiiiinnnnngggggggg.....!

       I woke up with a start, utterly irritated at the senseless jerk who’d kept a blaring alarm in the middle of the night. I looked around for the source of this disconcerting noise, only to realise there was no noise after all. The noise seemed to emanate from within me. The moment I was awake enough; the noise was no more, leaving in its place the eerie silence of the night.

              I got up from my bed with a lazy twist of my body, walked across the room & put on the lights. Just then my gut let out a low rumble & a hollow sensation encroached the pit of my stomach. Hunger couldn’t explain this anomalous behaviour of my GIT, coz I knew that it had been taken care of pretty well the previous night.(Thanks to a friend’s b’day treat)

              I let my brain grope around for a possible explanation to this peculiar feeling that I vaguely remembered from a certain experience a coupla years ago. I could hear the mechanical whirr of my brain working until it clicked in place with a single word – DREAM..!!

              I tried to remember what I’d been dreaming. To begin with everything was a blur. All I could see was grainy images of the daily chores of my boring life – my co-intern asking me to send amylase of the pancreatitis patient; my PG lecturing me on the transfusion notes I’d written; & that thyroid patient crying hysterically when I approached her to draw blood for her LFT!!! It was like a poor reception on a TV screen from an old rusted antenna in a remote village in the unknown interiors of India...!

              All of a sudden, the image brightened, the screen was rich & colourful like the sets of DEVDAS..!! I saw ‘HER’!!My Angel..!!!! The dark wavy hair; the curious brown eyes; that dazzling smile; her pale skin flickering in the textured lights; the slender grace with which she moved...She was ‘divinity in motion’!!!!!! I felt a jerk behind the navel, a peculiar twisting sensation – the one you feel when you swing wildly on those natural jhoolas tied to tree branches during festivals. I loved that feel..!!!

              “En huduga iddiyo?” her voice was music to my ears. “GS unit nalli iddeenu kelsa maadangilla anta??” She asked in that childlike carefree manner that’s so typical of her.

“Hangenilla, na kelsa maadteeni. Ning yaaru helidru?” i replied, struggling to keep the strain of emotions out of my voice.

“Hange, yaaro obru” she chirruped, giggling as always.

“helalla pleeeeeeeeeeeees”

“Nee hing keldag mudham helbardu ansutta gotten?” She said in an obvious attempt at humour.

“haalaghogu” i quipped, trying to pass off the pain as anger & failing miserably at it. Coz she sensed it, in a way only SHE could..!

“Enaaytho??” she asked, looking concerned.

“Nothing” I replied, switching over to English coz it usually helped me to keep my emotions under check. I wasn’t lucky enough this time, for the torrent of emotions had found another outlet – a more tangible one – lashing out against the brim of my eyelids – TEARS!!!!

“Yappa” she seemed surprised. “A Hucchha , Ishtakkella altaareno??” she added soothingly, taking a step closer to me. If she was hoping that it would help, she was terribly wrong. It only made break into violent hysteric sobs like a 6yr old!

              She reached out her hand to wipe the tears off my cheek. I was torn – between the wash of relief that her touch brought & the pain of having lost her. I never realised when it happened, we were in an embrace. I held her tight. My hug was strong, fierce passionate, while hers was warm, gentle, friendly. My sobs continued while she attempted to console me. She had tears in her eyes too! This was the strangest thing about her. She cried with me whenever I did!! While i cried, coz i’d loved & lost her; she cried coz she couldn’t see me suffer.

She tried to be a friend for her part, while I continued to love her. Both of us knew that we could never make it work, but we were terrified to accept it. Loving her was like standing in the rain. I knew I would fall sick for sure, but the pleasure of dancing in the rain was far too tempting to resist..!!!

But once I discovered that she’s actually interested in someone else, it was all too obvious – I had to QUIT!

How?? That was impossible!!! But I’d try. I had to. After all these years, this was the least I could do for her. I wanted her to b happy. I HAD to let her go..!

              I don’t know how long we sat there. Time had lost its meaning. I lay in her lap, enjoying this blissful solace for one last time. She caressed my forehead trying to comfort me. She took my hand in hers & said,

“Promise me that you’ll forget me, promise me that you’ll be happy”

But how could I?? “OK” I said. “But you have to find a girl for me” I added with a watery chuckle.

“Ya sure” she flashed that million dollar smile, all the more precious now – coz she was smiling through her tears; coz this was the last time I could see her enchanting smile!

“So, promise me now” she was persistent.

My breath heavy, voice hoarse with emotions, “I LOVE YOU” i croaked out!

Trrrrriiiiinnnnngggggg!!!! Now I realised what the alarm had been. It was my ‘conscious’ reigning control after having let me wander around in the wilderness of dreams. Reminding me that no matter what, I had to repress her memories. I pep talked myself for a while until my breathing became regular again. I scrambled around the room for that one thing which had made my nights a lot more tolerable. I found what I’d been looking for – SEDREAM!

I popped the small indigo coloured tablet & fell on my bed. The next thing i knew was, “Hey ya, i see you walkin thru the door...” – My alarm tone..!!!! 

That thing called LOVE..!

Dear Paayal,
THIS IS NOT A LOVE LETTER!(atleast not the run-of the-mill types;@) I hope atleast this statement will ensure that you’ll read the rest of the letter in peace.

Honestly,I tried moving on without you. But all I found myself was – INCOMPLETE..! So lets try this again..

I could very easily write to you a letter that would make you jealous of my freedom or about the great time I’ve had during MANTHAN – 08.

But why bother ??

All freedoms that belong to me and envied by you are a lie, because you own & dominate my every thought. You possess me more in your absence than you ever could in your presence. I miss you with a violence that is tempered only by its own consistency. In fact, “miss” doesn’t even begin to express how much I miss you..! I have no desire to attempt to hide what is so plain to me and what ought to be plain enough to you, if you are indeed as sensitive as you think and I know you are..

I understand you and sometimes that baffles me – cos, I’ve never known how to pretend when I’m around you(infact, I never felt the need to). Since our understanding is (or should it be WAS?) so complete , there can be no pretences. You expressed appreciation of this fact once… Yet we both knew, that underlying the appreciation was a reasonable fear. And we both refused to acknowledge it in words. We acknowledged it in a more tangible form – TENSION!! Nothing like the rigidity of a taught string to demonstrate resistance & force. Your force against mine,even while we struggled to create synergy..

It was the chilly february winds, that brought with them the rift we both had been contemplating for a long time now. Reticent being that you are, you never voiced your differences. I however could understand your concern for the gossips that floated around and your fears that I might have more than friendly feelings for you. But the final straw that spelt the doom of our beautiful relation was – my RHINOSKIN vis-à-vis your RETICENCE..!

I cant get more sublime than this right now. There’s too much & yet too little at stakes!!!

We used the rift as our defence against what terrified us. The honest silence – The one thing that was true & beautiful about our relation. We tried to change it from something beautiful to something ugly. UGLY is so much more down-to-earth, so much more regular, so much more comforting... Then we filled it with words. We did away with unvoiced certainties & replaced them with verbal uncertainties.

We were grateful for the moments that followed, when we didn’t have to live upto each other. It became easier to slip and to slip away. We know however, that there was no distance growing between us ,though we have preferred to call it so sometimes. But distances can grow only if you are close to begin with & then start to drift apart. We are like two parallel lines – we neither converge nor diverge. Merely providing each other a corollary – unto the eternity.
You could not keep away from me even when you tried. I simply never tried.

The games were stupid and we both saw right through them. We could have diminished the other in a second, yet perhaps it is our greatness (or pettiness?) that let the games continue. We could never fool each other, yet we fooled ourselves into thinking that we would let the other think that we had been fooled. I’m no longer sure whether I was playing you or myself. In anycase it’s presently irrelevant.

As of now,you have two options. You can either accept all of the above, or deny it. If you deny, then I’ll take my cues accordingly.
Or may be I wont!!
I may or may not choose to live up to your definition of grace. I’ll perhaps act according to mine. But I’ll no longer pit my silences against yours. Either let there be symphony or let ‘it’ be F-O-R-E-V-E-R..! As long as ‘forever’ takes to make its presence felt. But rest assured, I would never even dream of being the remotest reason for anything that might cause the tiniest of discomfort to you. But then, you already know this..

I know,you realize that my honesty is the greatest tribute I can pay you. So I need not tell you the rest. Treat this not as an ultimatum, but the ultimate. Any lines beyond this shall seem meaningless……

And if this letter comes as a pleasant(or unpleasant) surprise, (I never cease to amaze you,you once told me)than I’m totally in character & playing my part well. Infact, I’m playing it so well that I’m not ‘playing’ it anymore..!

If you cannot flatter me(You can’t,coz I’ve too exaggerated sense of self-importance already!!)at the very least amuse me with your reply.i await it,perhaps a bit too eagerly..
Love,
Sangamesh
How does one sign off a letter like this? No end seems appropriate.

Do i hate films..??

My disenchantment with the world of films(read as theatres) can only be explained by 2factors - my lassitude & my peculiar psyche.

The arduous task of getting to the right theatre at the right time,the rigmarole of finding a parking space over there,the circus to finally get a decent ticket(not to mention the difficulty to secure right company(read as gal;@) is just too much for my 'patience',considering the lazy person that i'm..!!

And as for my peculiar psyche,i've an embarassing habit,as bad as if not worse,than bed wetting.i weep profusely at the emotional scenes in the bollywood movies..!!And i tend to be busy during the intermission wiping my tears,much to d embarrassment of my friends & to the eternal bafflement of the people around...!!!

Thanks,but no thanks..i'd as well prefer to watch the movies in the confines n comforts of my home,were none of these are gonna be an issue at all..;-);)

Smitten by the love bug..!

Yes, I now feel that it was then,on that breezy summer evening - when u waved me bye..with ur dark wavy hair attempting in vain to mask d twinkle of ur brown eyes..with that infectious smile of urs creating ripples of endless joy thru my heart..u stood there slender as willow-wand..ur voice came down as falling silver over clearwater..THAT was ''the magic moment''.. when the very first dawn of human love burst upon the icy night of my spirit. Since that moment,I have never seen nor heard your name without a shiver- half of delight, half of anxiety.... for quite some time now,ur name has never passed my lips, while my soul drank in, with a delirious thirst, all that was uttered in my presence in appreciation of YOU...whether its as fleeting as sunkissed summer days or lasts nearly a life time..LOVE is always worth it...!

LIFE,a status update gone awry..!

At times,life seems so obscure.. & equally unpredictable is the human response to the questions life asks...!

''How's lyf?'' just a routine enquiry by an almost-a stranger,can churn ur minds &squeeze out an excruciating awkwardness,havin to grope around for an ad-lib response to hastily cover up all the embarrassing doubts & confusions that haunt u incessantly..!

Long after they're gone,(apparently satisfied with ur non-committal, ''everything's fine sir!'') u continue to dwell upon that mundane question..!It takes u on a roller-coaster ride,the ques seemingly avalanching from a naive enquiry into ur mood,to a one requiring more philosophical insights..!

''WHERE AM I HEADED TO...?????''

5yrs into d field i detest (read as MBBS),6months of internship gone eventless & the next 6-sure to follow suit..utterly clueless as to what I intend to do wid my life..!Add to it the 'BELLA' confusion..should I 'befriend' her just to prolong her presence in my life,or be a stiffneck & continue to love her irrespective of the discomfort it causes her..!Always evading a question I should have answered to myself long back..'Am I complacent'?'Was i hoping to rest on past laurels'?? N many such questions of self doubt,which i feel are betr left untold here..!

One rapid swipe of destiny & i'm violently jerked back to reality..!!

Just as I write this,thru my window i can see the birds,flying in patterns,perhaps returning to their homes..!
or are they??

For i'm not sure if this is mornin or evening..!

Seems like it doesn matter anymore..!

But i love to imagine..

''Mythical birds returning to roost on bejewelled nests in a fabled treasure island in the midst of a vast green ocean bathed in the multicoloured hues of a sinking sun..!''

I wish,that i could be one among them..
But then almost suddenly,with a tinge of pain & a rush of self pity,i'm brought back to my senses..(or atleast what's remaining of my senses;@)
I finally realise that i'm just a HUMAN..:-(