I woke up with a start, utterly irritated at the senseless jerk who’d kept a blaring alarm in the middle of the night. I looked around for the source of this disconcerting noise, only to realise there was no noise after all. The noise seemed to emanate from within me. The moment I was awake enough; the noise was no more, leaving in its place the eerie silence of the night.
I got up from my bed with a lazy twist of my body, walked across the room & put on the lights. Just then my gut let out a low rumble & a hollow sensation encroached the pit of my stomach. Hunger couldn’t explain this anomalous behaviour of my GIT, coz I knew that it had been taken care of pretty well the previous night.(Thanks to a friend’s b’day treat)
I let my brain grope around for a possible explanation to this peculiar feeling that I vaguely remembered from a certain experience a coupla years ago. I could hear the mechanical whirr of my brain working until it clicked in place with a single word – DREAM..!!
I tried to remember what I’d been dreaming. To begin with everything was a blur. All I could see was grainy images of the daily chores of my boring life – my co-intern asking me to send amylase of the pancreatitis patient; my PG lecturing me on the transfusion notes I’d written; & that thyroid patient crying hysterically when I approached her to draw blood for her LFT!!! It was like a poor reception on a TV screen from an old rusted antenna in a remote village in the unknown interiors of India...!
All of a sudden, the image brightened, the screen was rich & colourful like the sets of DEVDAS..!! I saw ‘HER’!!My Angel..!!!! The dark wavy hair; the curious brown eyes; that dazzling smile; her pale skin flickering in the textured lights; the slender grace with which she moved...She was ‘divinity in motion’!!!!!! I felt a jerk behind the navel, a peculiar twisting sensation – the one you feel when you swing wildly on those natural jhoolas tied to tree branches during festivals. I loved that feel..!!!
“En huduga iddiyo?” her voice was music to my ears. “GS unit nalli iddeenu kelsa maadangilla anta??” She asked in that childlike carefree manner that’s so typical of her.
“Hangenilla, na kelsa maadteeni. Ning yaaru helidru?” i replied, struggling to keep the strain of emotions out of my voice.
“Hange, yaaro obru” she chirruped, giggling as always.
“helalla pleeeeeeeeeeeees”
“Nee hing keldag mudham helbardu ansutta gotten?” She said in an obvious attempt at humour.
“haalaghogu” i quipped, trying to pass off the pain as anger & failing miserably at it. Coz she sensed it, in a way only SHE could..!
“Enaaytho??” she asked, looking concerned.
“Nothing” I replied, switching over to English coz it usually helped me to keep my emotions under check. I wasn’t lucky enough this time, for the torrent of emotions had found another outlet – a more tangible one – lashing out against the brim of my eyelids – TEARS!!!!
“Yappa” she seemed surprised. “A Hucchha , Ishtakkella altaareno??” she added soothingly, taking a step closer to me. If she was hoping that it would help, she was terribly wrong. It only made break into violent hysteric sobs like a 6yr old!
She reached out her hand to wipe the tears off my cheek. I was torn – between the wash of relief that her touch brought & the pain of having lost her. I never realised when it happened, we were in an embrace. I held her tight. My hug was strong, fierce passionate, while hers was warm, gentle, friendly. My sobs continued while she attempted to console me. She had tears in her eyes too! This was the strangest thing about her. She cried with me whenever I did!! While i cried, coz i’d loved & lost her; she cried coz she couldn’t see me suffer.
She tried to be a friend for her part, while I continued to love her. Both of us knew that we could never make it work, but we were terrified to accept it. Loving her was like standing in the rain. I knew I would fall sick for sure, but the pleasure of dancing in the rain was far too tempting to resist..!!!
But once I discovered that she’s actually interested in someone else, it was all too obvious – I had to QUIT!
How?? That was impossible!!! But I’d try. I had to. After all these years, this was the least I could do for her. I wanted her to b happy. I HAD to let her go..!
I don’t know how long we sat there. Time had lost its meaning. I lay in her lap, enjoying this blissful solace for one last time. She caressed my forehead trying to comfort me. She took my hand in hers & said,
“Promise me that you’ll forget me, promise me that you’ll be happy”
But how could I?? “OK” I said. “But you have to find a girl for me” I added with a watery chuckle.
“Ya sure” she flashed that million dollar smile, all the more precious now – coz she was smiling through her tears; coz this was the last time I could see her enchanting smile!
“So, promise me now” she was persistent.
My breath heavy, voice hoarse with emotions, “I LOVE YOU” i croaked out!
Trrrrriiiiinnnnngggggg!!!! Now I realised what the alarm had been. It was my ‘conscious’ reigning control after having let me wander around in the wilderness of dreams. Reminding me that no matter what, I had to repress her memories. I pep talked myself for a while until my breathing became regular again. I scrambled around the room for that one thing which had made my nights a lot more tolerable. I found what I’d been looking for – SEDREAM!
I popped the small indigo coloured tablet & fell on my bed. The next thing i knew was, “Hey ya, i see you walkin thru the door...” – My alarm tone..!!!!
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