That thing called LOVE..!

Dear Paayal,
THIS IS NOT A LOVE LETTER!(atleast not the run-of the-mill types;@) I hope atleast this statement will ensure that you’ll read the rest of the letter in peace.

Honestly,I tried moving on without you. But all I found myself was – INCOMPLETE..! So lets try this again..

I could very easily write to you a letter that would make you jealous of my freedom or about the great time I’ve had during MANTHAN – 08.

But why bother ??

All freedoms that belong to me and envied by you are a lie, because you own & dominate my every thought. You possess me more in your absence than you ever could in your presence. I miss you with a violence that is tempered only by its own consistency. In fact, “miss” doesn’t even begin to express how much I miss you..! I have no desire to attempt to hide what is so plain to me and what ought to be plain enough to you, if you are indeed as sensitive as you think and I know you are..

I understand you and sometimes that baffles me – cos, I’ve never known how to pretend when I’m around you(infact, I never felt the need to). Since our understanding is (or should it be WAS?) so complete , there can be no pretences. You expressed appreciation of this fact once… Yet we both knew, that underlying the appreciation was a reasonable fear. And we both refused to acknowledge it in words. We acknowledged it in a more tangible form – TENSION!! Nothing like the rigidity of a taught string to demonstrate resistance & force. Your force against mine,even while we struggled to create synergy..

It was the chilly february winds, that brought with them the rift we both had been contemplating for a long time now. Reticent being that you are, you never voiced your differences. I however could understand your concern for the gossips that floated around and your fears that I might have more than friendly feelings for you. But the final straw that spelt the doom of our beautiful relation was – my RHINOSKIN vis-à-vis your RETICENCE..!

I cant get more sublime than this right now. There’s too much & yet too little at stakes!!!

We used the rift as our defence against what terrified us. The honest silence – The one thing that was true & beautiful about our relation. We tried to change it from something beautiful to something ugly. UGLY is so much more down-to-earth, so much more regular, so much more comforting... Then we filled it with words. We did away with unvoiced certainties & replaced them with verbal uncertainties.

We were grateful for the moments that followed, when we didn’t have to live upto each other. It became easier to slip and to slip away. We know however, that there was no distance growing between us ,though we have preferred to call it so sometimes. But distances can grow only if you are close to begin with & then start to drift apart. We are like two parallel lines – we neither converge nor diverge. Merely providing each other a corollary – unto the eternity.
You could not keep away from me even when you tried. I simply never tried.

The games were stupid and we both saw right through them. We could have diminished the other in a second, yet perhaps it is our greatness (or pettiness?) that let the games continue. We could never fool each other, yet we fooled ourselves into thinking that we would let the other think that we had been fooled. I’m no longer sure whether I was playing you or myself. In anycase it’s presently irrelevant.

As of now,you have two options. You can either accept all of the above, or deny it. If you deny, then I’ll take my cues accordingly.
Or may be I wont!!
I may or may not choose to live up to your definition of grace. I’ll perhaps act according to mine. But I’ll no longer pit my silences against yours. Either let there be symphony or let ‘it’ be F-O-R-E-V-E-R..! As long as ‘forever’ takes to make its presence felt. But rest assured, I would never even dream of being the remotest reason for anything that might cause the tiniest of discomfort to you. But then, you already know this..

I know,you realize that my honesty is the greatest tribute I can pay you. So I need not tell you the rest. Treat this not as an ultimatum, but the ultimate. Any lines beyond this shall seem meaningless……

And if this letter comes as a pleasant(or unpleasant) surprise, (I never cease to amaze you,you once told me)than I’m totally in character & playing my part well. Infact, I’m playing it so well that I’m not ‘playing’ it anymore..!

If you cannot flatter me(You can’t,coz I’ve too exaggerated sense of self-importance already!!)at the very least amuse me with your reply.i await it,perhaps a bit too eagerly..
Love,
Sangamesh
How does one sign off a letter like this? No end seems appropriate.