PEACE.. At last..

This is why I love travelling..

At a time when u got to account for every minute of time that u spend awake, travel-time is sumhow always discounted for..a timely and well deserved 'time-out' is how I see it..!

Travelling endows upon you the most precious thing in life - TIME, lemme complete - FOR YOURSELF..!

Time enuf, to stop n catch ur breath for a while..

Time enuf to pull out of the ratrace u'r in and be urself(albeit only for a while)..

Time enuf to sit back n put things in perspective..

Time enuf for two things I love the most..
Blogging and facebooking..:p

Sitting alone, in a crowd of unknown co- passengers, I wonder how easy it is to lose urself into ur own thoughts..(the same cant be said abt typing though..:-()

The steady motion also helps u to get rid of the stagnant inertia that has imprisoned ur life..without sounding overtly frustrated, i'd like to confess..I hate the painfully slow tempo of my life these days.. Its worse than those dull high scoring drawn test matches.. Not that I seek the big bash league types, but a Newlands or Wanderers test would do fine..or even a wankhede test match( despite the irony of its result!)
The sight of the street-lamps whizzing past u, even while the moon continues to accompany u ever so non-chalantly, brings into perspective certain things in ur life..seemingly suggesting that while most things in life are meant to come along n fade soon enuf(like the lamps), there are certain aspects of ur life that stay with u for a long long way(the moon)..
And that is perhaps, where u need to get ur priorities right..it is YOU who has to decide which is the 'moon' n what things u can let go..
As CB, so craftily puts it..
''Life is a Lemon- race..U cant win a race without balancing the lemon..''
The lemon, cumbersome that it is, despite slowing you down considerably , is still a quintessential part of ur success.. If u can comprehend what i'm hinting at, I bet u'll go a long way to make ur life happy for sure..though I cant assure u of success..but then, may be at times u might need to priortise.. Happiness vis-a-vis success..!!

Honestly, amidst the constant hum of the engine, the rev of the accel, the screetch of the brakes, I cant help but feel better inspite of myself..even the hiccups that the indian roads challenge u with( though considerably subdued by some excellent suspensions on the bus) tend to bouy my spirits.. Frank enough, this is the best I have felt for quite sometime now..oflate i have had this feeling of soulless stupor embroiled into a rigorously monotonous schedule - Study, STUDY, STUDY..!!!
It is not like I hate studying, but then too much of anything is bad..
Even chilling-out doesn sound so cool if u are to do it all the time..!!
Why then this new found dislike to studies..??
If i have to put my fingers on something then it'l be novembers end..
A disappointing outing at aiims, The news of an on-schedule all india exam and the horror of realising that I dont seem to remember even a word of what I'v read all thru the year..put in some of those 'personal' stuff, and i had a perfect recipe for a 'semi-depression'..

Little did i know then that travel is a handy antidote to it..:-)
Anyways, better late than never..:p

I know I have no reason to be cheerful about.. if anything I must be lamenting the time lost travelling..but this is ME we are speaking of..sumhow I never cease to amaze myself..!:p

Call me foolish if u must, but I've had this
'Mini-enlightenment' of sorts,( the bus being my bodhi-tree..) that a PG seat is not the ONLY thing in life..I know what i want from my life..


PG or not, happiness is what I seek..PEACE..!

TIME PLEASE....

The sands of the hourglass are cascading in full furies..!
The month of august has rapidly succumbed to the untiring traveller called TIME..!
The past month or so has gone by at such rapid pace, that I spent more time wondering where the lost time was..never realising that I 'lost' more time pondering over the 'lost' time..
For the first time, I was hit by the full impact of what it meant to be in a ''race against time''..!
How would it feel to be constantly under the impression that time is racing away from u..?
As though each moment had more important things to do..?!?
Especially at a time, when u'r wondering ''what can be more important than PG prep..?''

But, Alas! Mr Time doesn seem to concur with you..

Time bears all..time heals all & time tells all..!
All in good time..
All on its own time..
just in the nick of time..
In life and in all things, all you have to do is give it TIME..!
Cliched..? Yes..
True..? Naaaa....

Truth is, Time offers no luxuries in life..
Never enough time to seek some crucial answers..
Never enough time to change certain things in the past..
Never enough time to seek redemption or to undo the wrongs done..
Never enough time to chase ur crazy dreams..
Never enough time to 'miss' your friends(let alone catching up with them)..
Never enough time to watch BODYGUARD..
Never enough time to update ur FB status..
Never enough time to read HARRISON'S principles of INTERNAL MEDICINE..;-)

All u get to do is a perfunctory burial of the past and a barely passable 'pretence' of living in the present, while the demons of the half-buried past, in a show of enormous 'patience' wait just beneath the surface to pounce upon at the tiniest signs of vulnerability..! (which are often triggered by something as naive as the 'smell of wet earth' or a question on ''restless leg syndrome''..!)
What can you do to change it??Absolutely NOTHING..!
TIME's not tangible - so you can't punch it when you're mad at it..!

Yeah, u can swear at it..but then after some time, u run out of swear words..

U can shout at it on top of ur voice, only to end up with a sore throat..

You can vent out ur anger & frustration in the form of writing,( no prize for guessing, that's what i'm at..;-)), only to realise you have lost more time on it..

But the endless tirade of time goes on unscathed by ur trivial rumblings..

For a moment I go back to my childhood.. Memories..!
My one and only defence against the frenzy might of time..!
Yes, that small 'cache' where i can safely lock away some wonderful times, feeling secure in my knowledge that TIME shall never be able to steal them from me..

I see a younger self of me..
A cheerful chiruppy little devil, bubbling with enthusiasm,
the eyes shone with the dreams of future,
shoulders, unburdened by the pressures of expectations,
The sprightly lush of black that prospered on ma head..
And a trace of the resilience smoldering within..


The younger me, senses my presence, looks back at me with a smile of reassurance, crosses his hands to make a 'T' and shouts aloud.. ''TIME-PLEASE......''

PS..dont mind the spelling mistakes or the lousy grammar..if u have indeed managed to read the whole thing, u must understand, this wasnt written for want of literary acclaim..

Downpour of Daydreams..!

Downpour of daydreams…

As the droplets of rain kiss the earth,

As a gentle breeze slashes against my cheek,

Carrying with it the scent of the freshly wet earth,

Triggering a wave of nostalgia,

For in those few deluded moments of bliss,

U live again, my dearest BELLA…

You stand there in the rain,

Singing the soulful songs of love..

Your fragrance, filtered through that of the flowers and fruits around,

Reach my ever-thirsty senses and lure me to you..

Come lets drench ourselves in the lovely rain,

And dance around in the cold water, splashing around for company..

I wrap my arms securely around your waist,

You place your hands gently on my shoulders..

As we wade through the muddle of water,

Oblivious to the world around..

Dancing seductively to the rhythm of the rain..

I run my fingers through your dark, wavy hair, 

I cup your face into my palms,

Stare into those gorgeous brown eyes,

Yearning, as ever, for a passionate kiss..

You place your lips delicately on mine,

Urging me to draw you close..

Even closer, even fiercer..

Keeping you in the warm wrap of my arms..

Oh dear, come place your ear on my heart,

And hear, the sound of my love…

I wish that the smell of ‘you’ lingers longer,

Tightly embraced in my arms forever..

But that is not to be..

Cuz, you have got your own dreams in life,

So have I got mine to chase..

How I wish, I could live at the tip of my pen,

Loving u each day with an unending ebony of prose…

Alas, this still leaves my thoughts unwritten,

For they no longer have voices upon these pages..

Nevertheless, I thank the rains,

For awakening the memories that lie dormant in the unseen recesses of my mind,

For kindling this pen to write again..

For making me realize,

That BELLA lives.. NOW & FOREVER…!

Happy(?) New Year..!?!

I woke up - parched throat, dizzy head, swollen eyes, blocked nose (help me god..!), a stitch in the thigh, and another just below the chest..I lay still for a while, not daring to disturb them..

I looked around to examine..my room..Its in perfect disarray (as always..),stuffed with crazy assortment of endless paraphernalia..I like my room this way..in an ordered chaos..!;-)

The sun has sauntered into my room,through the windows, not bothering to wait for me to greet him..music still playing from the borrowed speakers in my room..Enrique's lilting voice,
''All I need is a rhythm divi..

POWER CUT..!!

I dont remember when I'd fallen asleep..but it was early..yes, 2am on a new years night is early..!!!

Cant help dearies, that's the tragedy of being sober on a new yrs eve..your endogenous adrenaline is just no match to Smirnoff, bacardi, jack daniels, or the royal stag..;);-)

I got up from my bed, with a raunchy yawn, a lazy stretch punctuated by winces n gasps of pain as the stitches freed..

I examined myself in the mirror..yep, that's my latest obsession!¡!;-)

The first thing I do in the morning is look at myself..not cuz I care for ma looks, but I believe ( or hope??) that I'm lucky for myself..

Jeez..I'm a total mess..puffed up eyes, a red blotch for the nose, a weeks worth of stubble, & hair ( atleast what's remaining of them..!) sticking up at all angles..

I gathered my towel, bucket & all the stuff n ambled across to the bathroom only to be welcomed by a hoard of people, all shouting n screaming at the top of their voices..for one wild moment i'd assumed the new yr celebrations are still on..!!
Nope, the bathrooms at the other end of the corridor have blocked, and this one is being made to work overtime..!! Poor guy..;)

Not wanting to be a part of this spectacle, I instead chose to gulp down something to satiate my ever- hungry belly..I trudged down, 2stairs of flight to our darling ''MESS''..!

Gosh..! Those stodgy, rubbery, bland, impenetrable chunks of a boulderous excuse for a 'set dosa'..!!!
Yuckkkkkkkk..!
No no NO..not today..!!

I lumbered back to my room, not in mood to risk tasting them today..an endless torrent of choicest swear words flowing effortlessly from my lips, cursing anything n everything that comes in my way..the powercuts, the blocked bathrooms, the food, the irksome itching of my cheek, my squeaking slippers & the goddamn keyhole..why does it have to be so minute????

I struggled with my door for a while, before it took pity on me n let me in..

I staggered in, crashed on my bed, mumbling to myself,


''HAPPY NEW YEAR..!''

Of reminiscences, et al..

The closer I inch towards the end of the year, the weirder life gets..I'm stuck in a mangy mosaic of myriad, contradicting & often mutually exclusive emotions - all miraculously harboured in a tiny little space - my HEART..!


But then, isn't that how its supposed to be??
Inevitabilty darlings..:p


Churlish though it might seem to cavil at this moment of reminiscences,but it might be a good idea to sit back & put things in perspective.I just have to sit down, drag my feet up, pull them close to my chest, wrap my arms around and enjoy the experience - bitter-sweet or not..


The year that's been has had more than its share of pleasures,excitement, fun, frolic & brouhaha..!!!
Gifted with just the right share of liberties (both financial & otherwise..) sans the all consuming burden of responsibilties (which tend to barge in unheralded) INTERNSHIP is perhaps the best phase of a medico's life..!!

Honestly, if Brian Adams had not beaten me to it, it would be me singing, ''summer of 2010'';-)



Yet, here I'm, once again Cribbing n complaining..!
Why? I understand now..
Its just that I've never been good at writing the happy things..Its like, I take them for granted..we all do that..Don't we??



BELLA..! Sigh..!!!
I sit here laughing at myself and wincing every time I think of her..
A few stolen days of reality in a virtual land..emotions bared, Secrets shared, promises made..Hushed whispers, subtle gestures, stolen Moments, full of feel..all I knew, n all I cared for was, U, me, she, her, we, US..!

Real or not, those few deluded moments of being in the soft, silken strangle of love are the one that I'l cherish the most..!

But then was that love..?
If u'd asked then, I would have screamed a yes in an eye's blink..or may be I wouldnt have answered at all..merely scorn at your insolence instead..or may be punch you in the face for having missed out the obviousness of the reply..!

But now???
Somehow i'm not so sure..

Sometimes even a nebulous reaction can be sublime & substantial, almost to the point of being egregious..


It was time something jolted me out of the fairytale that i live in, and brought in a healthy dose of reality..And so it did..or should i say, 'she' did it..
All said & done, it still doesn't take away anything from you, my Bella.. (only that, you are no longer 'mine':()
U still remain the best thing that's ever happened to me..!


As I stand on the faltering fringes of 2010, I just have this li'l piece of wisdom to offer..


Good or bad, happy or sad, easy or hard..whatever be the moment in ur life, always remember..
''THIS TOO SHALL PASS..!''


A coupla goodbyes to say.. To the year that's gone & to you my BELLA..
''Au revoir''..no, no, NO..scratch that..
''Bid adieus''..!

Huyya, 2011.. Here I come..;-)

The First Gulp of Free Air..!

Gosh...!!!
It's been quite a while that I put something
over here..
Have I run out of topics?
Am I devoid of thoughts??
Nope, its Neither..
Its not even the paucity of time..
Its Just the inability to structure my complex
& often contradicting thoughts..This teeny
tiny little brain of mine is cluttered with just
one thing too many..! Internship , labour
room postings, studies, grads day & yet
another 'important issue' which has turned
more sore than i'd ever imagined even in the
wildest of my dreams.
Result?? - I just kept jumping & hopping from
one topic to another without ever daring to
embark upon a sojourn that offered
crossroads..carrying them all with
me,clutching them close to heart, for fear of
choosing & in the process, losing..Always
postponing & procrastinating the time to
chose..
For certain reasons, I have terribly missed this
space and particularly missed being able to
write - my personal, 'social' diary..!;-)
No, not the conventional scribbling of words
and sentences but 'writing' in a manner that
heals me. Truly and deeply unraveling my
emotions.The real me, the darker side of me,
my alter ego, that I myself cannot always
comprehend..Sentiments that even I am
unaware of...!All this finds meaning here..this
space has been almost theraupetic..!!
THANK YOU BLOGSPOT..!
To me, this long hiatus meant that I was over
that phase of life (which was complex and
strange), atleast I thought so and it made me
quite happy to say the least. I felt that I was
getting closer to how I wanted my life to be
and the past did not have a place in the
future..! Seemed like i was living a dream..!
Something that i've always dreamt of..''To
live in a dream..!'';-) But then reality struck..&
struck hard..!
Did I retreat? No, I didn't..Neither did I run to
this space..Cos someone had warned, that
this isnt a ''public toilet.''
I was torn into a torrent of confounding
emotions..my mood swings getting more
erratic by the day n worse by the night...!
But now in the comforts of my home,
munching on mom- made snacks, thinking
clearly seems so easy..Effortless..almost
natural..! Feels like having woken up from a
timeless slumber..!
Like the first gulp of the fresh free air..!
Inhaling within my heart n soul, the freedom
this air so proudly offers..!
In essence - feels good..:-)
I now realise that the problem lay in the way
I viewed things...It was a tad too idealistic..I
had failed to realise that life is neither black,
nor white..but a multicoloured hues of gray..!
Life can never be completely devoid of
problems..If it did, it wouldn be called LIFE
then..!
I'm reminded of an sms i'd once recieved & at
that time had thoughtlessly fwded..About a
fabled dialogue between life n dream, when
life says,
''My dear friend, dream..the day u come true,
i shall lose my meaning..!''
If you are waiting for a conclusion, i'm sorry,
I have none to offer..!
Life is to be lived, the way it is..leave the
analysis, definitions & conclusions to the
philosophers..!
As for me, I have always opined..
''PHILOSOPHERS ARE MAD MEN..!''

LAST NIGHT IN MY DREAMS...

 Trrriiiiinnnnngggggggg.....!

       I woke up with a start, utterly irritated at the senseless jerk who’d kept a blaring alarm in the middle of the night. I looked around for the source of this disconcerting noise, only to realise there was no noise after all. The noise seemed to emanate from within me. The moment I was awake enough; the noise was no more, leaving in its place the eerie silence of the night.

              I got up from my bed with a lazy twist of my body, walked across the room & put on the lights. Just then my gut let out a low rumble & a hollow sensation encroached the pit of my stomach. Hunger couldn’t explain this anomalous behaviour of my GIT, coz I knew that it had been taken care of pretty well the previous night.(Thanks to a friend’s b’day treat)

              I let my brain grope around for a possible explanation to this peculiar feeling that I vaguely remembered from a certain experience a coupla years ago. I could hear the mechanical whirr of my brain working until it clicked in place with a single word – DREAM..!!

              I tried to remember what I’d been dreaming. To begin with everything was a blur. All I could see was grainy images of the daily chores of my boring life – my co-intern asking me to send amylase of the pancreatitis patient; my PG lecturing me on the transfusion notes I’d written; & that thyroid patient crying hysterically when I approached her to draw blood for her LFT!!! It was like a poor reception on a TV screen from an old rusted antenna in a remote village in the unknown interiors of India...!

              All of a sudden, the image brightened, the screen was rich & colourful like the sets of DEVDAS..!! I saw ‘HER’!!My Angel..!!!! The dark wavy hair; the curious brown eyes; that dazzling smile; her pale skin flickering in the textured lights; the slender grace with which she moved...She was ‘divinity in motion’!!!!!! I felt a jerk behind the navel, a peculiar twisting sensation – the one you feel when you swing wildly on those natural jhoolas tied to tree branches during festivals. I loved that feel..!!!

              “En huduga iddiyo?” her voice was music to my ears. “GS unit nalli iddeenu kelsa maadangilla anta??” She asked in that childlike carefree manner that’s so typical of her.

“Hangenilla, na kelsa maadteeni. Ning yaaru helidru?” i replied, struggling to keep the strain of emotions out of my voice.

“Hange, yaaro obru” she chirruped, giggling as always.

“helalla pleeeeeeeeeeeees”

“Nee hing keldag mudham helbardu ansutta gotten?” She said in an obvious attempt at humour.

“haalaghogu” i quipped, trying to pass off the pain as anger & failing miserably at it. Coz she sensed it, in a way only SHE could..!

“Enaaytho??” she asked, looking concerned.

“Nothing” I replied, switching over to English coz it usually helped me to keep my emotions under check. I wasn’t lucky enough this time, for the torrent of emotions had found another outlet – a more tangible one – lashing out against the brim of my eyelids – TEARS!!!!

“Yappa” she seemed surprised. “A Hucchha , Ishtakkella altaareno??” she added soothingly, taking a step closer to me. If she was hoping that it would help, she was terribly wrong. It only made break into violent hysteric sobs like a 6yr old!

              She reached out her hand to wipe the tears off my cheek. I was torn – between the wash of relief that her touch brought & the pain of having lost her. I never realised when it happened, we were in an embrace. I held her tight. My hug was strong, fierce passionate, while hers was warm, gentle, friendly. My sobs continued while she attempted to console me. She had tears in her eyes too! This was the strangest thing about her. She cried with me whenever I did!! While i cried, coz i’d loved & lost her; she cried coz she couldn’t see me suffer.

She tried to be a friend for her part, while I continued to love her. Both of us knew that we could never make it work, but we were terrified to accept it. Loving her was like standing in the rain. I knew I would fall sick for sure, but the pleasure of dancing in the rain was far too tempting to resist..!!!

But once I discovered that she’s actually interested in someone else, it was all too obvious – I had to QUIT!

How?? That was impossible!!! But I’d try. I had to. After all these years, this was the least I could do for her. I wanted her to b happy. I HAD to let her go..!

              I don’t know how long we sat there. Time had lost its meaning. I lay in her lap, enjoying this blissful solace for one last time. She caressed my forehead trying to comfort me. She took my hand in hers & said,

“Promise me that you’ll forget me, promise me that you’ll be happy”

But how could I?? “OK” I said. “But you have to find a girl for me” I added with a watery chuckle.

“Ya sure” she flashed that million dollar smile, all the more precious now – coz she was smiling through her tears; coz this was the last time I could see her enchanting smile!

“So, promise me now” she was persistent.

My breath heavy, voice hoarse with emotions, “I LOVE YOU” i croaked out!

Trrrrriiiiinnnnngggggg!!!! Now I realised what the alarm had been. It was my ‘conscious’ reigning control after having let me wander around in the wilderness of dreams. Reminding me that no matter what, I had to repress her memories. I pep talked myself for a while until my breathing became regular again. I scrambled around the room for that one thing which had made my nights a lot more tolerable. I found what I’d been looking for – SEDREAM!

I popped the small indigo coloured tablet & fell on my bed. The next thing i knew was, “Hey ya, i see you walkin thru the door...” – My alarm tone..!!!!